You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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