the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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