Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He has the fingertips of a God
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