I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
