Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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