The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
