So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
