...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
