based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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