Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
