Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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