Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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