Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
