im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
