Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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