Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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