If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize