He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
