Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Randomize
