highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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