if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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