I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
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