if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
