You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
