It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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