people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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