when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize