I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
