Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Houston, we have a squirter
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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