So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
