Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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