this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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