Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
