If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
