Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
