She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
