I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
