based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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