new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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