I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
