I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
