i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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