genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
and you fell through a lawn chair
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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