The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
