Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
