I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
