You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
