I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
