a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
