I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
