How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
