You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
