whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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