And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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