nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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