I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Can Purell be used as lube?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize