In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
