he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
