You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
