Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
