my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
