my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
